A Caucus-Race and a Very True Long Tale!

A long tale
A long tale

In Wonderland Alice gets involved in a caucus race where everyone runs around in no particular order and all are declared winners. Is this the chaos of life where in the end we all end up the same?

The tale the mouse tells is frighteningly similar to the insanity of family court where rulings hardly make sense not to mention the basis for them …
‘Fury said to a
mouse, That he
met in the
“Let us
both go to
law:  I will
YOU.  — Come,
I’ll take no
denial; We
must have a
trial:  For
really this
morning I’ve
to do.”
Said the
mouse to the
cur, “Such
a trial,
dear Sir,
no jury
or judge,
would be
“I’ll be
judge, I’ll
be jury,”
old Fury:
try the

Going to court for custody was chaos.  There were legal fees beyond my wildest dreams and countless hours of reading false accusations and disproving all the bullshit.  It seemed that my ex owned the courthouse considering some of the antics that went down.  On the most memorial court visit his lawyer used sarcasm and downright lies while giving her presentation.  My lawyer was professional providing proof with CAS (Children’s Aid Services) documentation and case examples but the judge said “We know what the society can be like” and dismissed everything she said.

We were in court that time because my ex had refused to show up for his visitation time with my daughter for a month straight without explanation.  He was mad I would not give into his demands so just stopped showing up, then he dragged me into court to get more access.  Yes he refused to see her but took me for more access, I didn’t understand either.  That female judge gave him twice the weekend access time despite his working nights and not being home to care for her.  From that point on she has spent at least one day and night every weekend with him in the care of either his elderly mother or his teenage niece and nephews.

Our last trip to court was to get a final order agreement and avoid a costly trial.  He was completely crazy talking to himself in the hallways and giving lectures to his lawyer about “how it all started”.  The lawyers hashed out a deal that covered 98% of most issues that could come up and was in no ones favour.  I gave up an extra few hours one more evening a week just to get him to sign when he wanted everyday.  Over a year later my daughter continues to complain about that extra 3 hours every Wednesday.  Once signed and he had left his lawyer informed mine that she truly believed he would never stop going after me, that was not what I was hoping to hear.

The rules of family law are preposterous as are the laws on harassment,  child protection and self defense.   Fun facts I have learned about our local laws: you can hit your children within reason, you can leave a child at any age home alone, harassment is subjective, and if your kid refuses to go to court ordered visitation you can be held in contempt of order.  In other laws you can’t move without the nonresidential parents permission.  So the lessons I learned in all of this is that 13 years of abuse means nothing to a court and the nonresidential parent has more rights than the primary parent.  Who came up with this stuff?

Today I  received an email from my ex accusing me of trying to access an old swinger Facebook account we had.  Honestly I had forgotten the email it was connected to and never really concerned myself with it so it has nothing to do with me.  Someone is interested though because he received an email from Facebook stating such.  I suggested he contact Facebook if he was concerned, I received more bashing remarks so I responded that he not contact me unless it was directly about our daughter.  His response is as follows and is the kind of thing I receive far too often.  Lawyers have assured me I must just accept such name calling and accusations as he is breaking no laws.

“I do not want to hear from you again- do not try to access old closed accounts again. 
Your posted swinger poses of fbk pictures are known to everyone and the remaining additions are easily located.
Your photos are everywhere. Ask your swinger friends for copies.
You are of no interests to me in any form. I assure you
Grow up 
Say hi to ______. Didn’t he give you herpes – ?
 Now leave quiet alone you loser slut”

When do I get to live my life in peace if he seems to be the judge and jury and has condemned me to death?


Where am I going when I don’t quite know where I am.

Do you have a clue where you are going in life?

Like Alice I just don’t know myself.  It seems often I hit these forks in the road and spend far to long asking myself what road I should take.  My trusty cat provides me no advise when I ask her opinion.  I was considering investing in a new cat but I ran out of road!

After I left my husband I really thought my path would become clear.  All I had to do was get through court, find a place I could afford and move on with my life right? WRONG!! At this point I was not hitting forks but rather roadblocks and dead ends.

Roadblock 1 – Post 911 call I promptly escaped to my parents home 20 min south with my daughter and this silent cat of ours.   For the next 5 months I was required to pay half the mortgage on a very expensive home i had built that I didn’t live in anymore.  He had even changed the locks so my $900/month didn’t even give me access to my belongings.  This is allowed by law though.  So between a mortgage and lawyer for separating assets I had used up every bit of credit I had.  By the time he bought me out there wasn’t much left.  So I made my parents basement into our temporary home.

Roadblock 2 – I figured with the separation of assets complete that custody access would be a piece of cake but this was the furthest thing from the case.  Suddenly the father that never wanted a daughter was fighting me for custody.  I was terrified and my 7 year old daughter even more so.  Back and forth offers to settle were passed between lawyers using up what little money was left.  The ordeal took so much time that my work hours were affected and my income dropped substantially to the point I was almost fired.  The year I managed to get a joint custody agreement with a final parenting order (that was not in anyone’s favour) cost me $36,000.  I was completely broke and had now lived in my parents basement for 13 months.

Dead End!! Divorcing with children is hard enough but divorcing a Vindictive Narcissistic Sociopath with children is a nightmare.  5 days post custody court order, my ex was already trying to make me agree to alternative demands.   Here I learned to use the lines “as per the court order section ___” and “we will follow the agreed upon court order” in all responses.  Here is where my dead end hit though, I am not allowed to move my daughter without permission by her father or the court.  I hold residential primary however I can not move her  out of the area or change her school without his permission, which he will never give me and am reminded of often.

As I mentioned earlier, I moved 20 minutes south but this is outside of her school district and 20 minutes further away from work (now 1 hour away).  Her school is in the country with a limited farm district range.  There are no apartments or affordable housing in the area, just farms.  The closest town with such is between my work and her school and would require me double backing to drive her to school every day since they don’t bus out of district.  This would cost more in fuel and income for lost time at work so i would not afford it after all.  I looked into a change of job but nothing will even pay half what I make now and aside from Tim Horton’s there is very little for me between here and there. 2 years later I am a permanent resident of the parental basement.

So here I sit on this road that doesn’t seem to go anywhere.  From time to time I get off the road and take a plane to the big city (figuratively of course).  There I visit my sister on roads with more forks.  On these roads I can take chances.  At one fork I had a choice between what I know and something entirely different so I took a chance.  That took me to a fork where I chose a turn to new heights and an independent future with many more roads ahead.  All these roads excite me but I have a slight problem, I need to build a road or bridge to connect to the dead end.

There are moments I’m happily excited for my future adventures but my reality is far less fun.  I am building a future for my daughter and I, but we will never enjoy it if the roads don’t connect.  Where am I going?  I don’t exactly know but I at least need a road to get there.

Night Terrors … The Jabberwocky would be better than this!

Can you sleep at night?  I find there are all sorts of people with sleep patterns I envy.  Some people fall asleep in seconds while others stare at the ceiling trying desperately to stop thinking. It’s 12:30am so you can probably guess where I land.  As kids we long to stay up late but as adults we wish we could be sleeping by 9pm or at the very least have workplace nap times.

Do you dream? I’ve met people who claim they don’t or hardly remember their dreams.  I don’t just dream though, I dream vivid nightmares and wake to remember every terrifying detail. Unfortunate observers have said that sometimes I talk, cry or scream while sleeping.  I wish I could just close my eyes and wake up happy and refreshed but most of the time I wake up wondering where I am and what has happened to me.

As a child I suffered from Night Terrors.  The Mayo Clinic describes these as “episodes of screaming, intense fear and flailing while still asleep.”  My parents would describe these nights as something out of the Exorcist.  Yep that’s some scary shit to witness. Apparently I have also done this as an adult.  This disrupts the unfortunate people you live with and leaves you waking up to be very tired all day.

Nightmares in children are common but in adults it is far less.  From what is known of chronic adult nightmares they can be a result of anxiety, depression, sleep deprivation, post traumatic stress disorder, medication, and several medical conditions.  In my own case I would guess that anxiety and PTSD are responsible.  I have suffered from anxiety all my life, mostly as a result of the instability of my childhood I assume.  We moved often and I never had any close friends or family.  As an adult I was in a very controlling relationship turned marriage to a vindictive narcissistic sociopath.

While married, my nightmares were often about being forced to stay and the intense situations I was in.  Since I have left they have fallen into the following themes:

I never really left – I am back in my old house or in a familiar location with my ex-husband and my divorce was a dream.  Everything is completely back to the terrifying normal that my life was.  I am sad, scared and looking for a way out.  I wake up from these afraid to open my eyes and it takes me a while to realize that I am not in my old bed in my old house.

I am forced to go back – In these dreams something extreme tends to happen and I am forced to go back to my ex-husband.  Because of the situation I am even more terrified as I am not only living with someone who hates me but now he hates me that much more for leaving and has ultimate control over me.  I am generally abused in these dreams in various ways.  When I wake up I am usually sweating and in tears.

I am being hunted – My ex is an avid hunter and a crack shot at 250-300 yards.  This concerns me when I am awake but when I am asleep it is that much more intense.  I have had dreams that he breaks in, hunts me down, sabotages my car and ultimately is trying to kill me.  This honestly isn’t completely unrealistic if you knew him.  While he personally never physically hurt me in the past the emotional and psychological abuse was intense and it had increased to threats of physical violence.  Living in a house full of guns with a controlling narcissist is stressful to say the very least.  Waking up from these I am in a state of panic and it takes me a while to lower my heart rate.

He takes my daughter away – This has to be the worst one of all.  I can handle being shot, raped, run over, tied up, forced to stay, hunted and subject to various other forms of violence but I can’t handle losing custody of my daughter.  Thanks to a pathetic court system, my ex and I have joint custody and he has a very generous visitation schedule.  He threatens more court action to have her live with him on a regular basis.  These threats turn into realities in my dreams.  They are the most possible to come true making them the most terrifying of all.

My nightmares may not have serial killers, demons or giant man eating anaconda but the evils they do have are very real.  The Jabberwocky in my dreams is a real person and he is totally capable of 90% of what happens in my dreams.  So why can’t I sleep?  I think we have figured it out.  There is a cute Dr. Seuss quote that states “You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.”  I always get a good laugh from that one.  I can’t fall asleep because my reality is better than my dreams but it has nothing to do with love, my dreams are fucking terrifying!!!!!!


By Lewis Carroll

’Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
      Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
      And the mome raths outgrabe.
“Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
      The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
      The frumious Bandersnatch!”
He took his vorpal sword in hand;
      Long time the manxome foe he sought—
So rested he by the Tumtum tree
      And stood awhile in thought.
And, as in uffish thought he stood,
      The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
      And burbled as it came!
One, two! One, two! And through and through
      The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
      He went galumphing back.
“And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
      Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!”
      He chortled in his joy.
’Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
      Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
      And the mome raths outgrabe.

Source: The Random House Book of Poetry for Children (1983)

How did I get to Wonderland? – An Introduction


How did I get to Wonderland?

The same as most people do really, following a white rabbit with a pocket watch.  Actually it’s a long story and my hope is that through this blog I can piece it altogether to find answers to some of my own questions.  I am not a writer … well I guess I am since I am writing this.  Ok I am not a professional writer and I hardly passed most of my English courses so try not to judge me too much.

Where is Wonderland?

Well … it is wherever I happen to be at the time.  My experiences are sometimes so bazaar that I often wonder if I am Alice and have fallen down a rabbit hole.  You will read some posts about my life and wonder if I drank too much tea with the Mad Hatter and other posts you may find as terrifying as the Jabberwocky.  Like Alice, I sometimes ask myself  if I have gone mad, but as the Hatter replied “the best people usually are.”

“Alice asked the Cheshire Cat, who was sitting in a tree, “What road do I take?”
The cat asked, “Where do you want to go?”
“I don’t know,” Alice answered.
“Then,” said the cat, “it really doesn’t matter, does it?”

Lewis Carroll, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland